A never ending realm of Guilt...

Dammit! I'm just feeling sooo emotionally drained today. I disappointed my very own pet brother, badly. Din manage to say my last goodbye to my best kindy teacher. What else? A super idiotic re-election of BOD meeting that basically screwed my mood for the day. How's that for a recipe of Guilt?

And now to add 1000 teaspoon of SALT to the already salted meal. I greatly feel like stabbing myself. The feeling of guilt just overpowers me. What can I do? Saying sorry don't mean a thing. So what if he forgives me if I can't forgive my very ownself of this day. This just sucks, being in the wrong, Guilt Guilt Guilt!

Fortunately, there's something to be happy about. My beloved Teacher Molly Fu which I lovingly call Ms. Fu, is now in heaven, praising God! Let me just share abit about her here, she's been a teacher, or shall i say a guide towards the light, the light of salvation. For without her laying the foundation of faith in me, I guess i'll never be writing this post, forever in search of the truth of life.

Ms. Molly Fu, an angel of salvation at Jack & Jill Kindergarden, off Jln Gasing, has been faithfully serving over the past 37 years! She started teaching at the age of 20+. Even with all the financial constraints and better job offers, she never gave up hope in this ministry. She chose the right path and over the 37 years she has impacted soooooo many lives, lives that would be lost without her guidance during those "important years".

Personally, Ms. Fu wasn't just my teacher only, she was also my second mother. Even after 7 years, she still remembers me clearly. As from what I heard from her friends and the testimony shared, she fondly remembers the names of her students, students which she deeply treasures and love. One quality that teachers today are losing. She would even go the extra mile by visiting those who can't catch up in school, those who are sick too.

Her sudden death caused by the lack of oxygen entering ther arteries in her heart, caused her her last breathe. Now with her gone, all those sweet memories, memories which i will treasure forever had even caused me to hallucinate by imagining her with me, right beside me, comforting me, and even walking that road that she once took to give tuition to my neighbour. Oh, those memories.. *I almost cried*

During her final hours, guess what she was doing? She was preparing herself to go to school. You know where school is for her? roughly 30/20km away. She moved to Ampang Jaya for I dunno how many years already just to look after her sister's kids. The love for children was the one that moved her on to do all this. The Love for God too. Every morning without fail, she would get up as early as 5.30am to get herself ready to go for school. Coming all the way to Petaling Jaya just to teach the little children. She surely is an angel sent from heaven.

Her last weeks was filled with pain and suffering, she overworked herself and ended up losing alot of weight which resulted in a worser health condition. And I still did not counted in the fact that she is diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetis which she secretly hidden throughout the years from her family and friends. Her compassionate heart which did not want to burden ANYONE, was the one that made everyone cry during her wake service last night.

Aunt Molly passed away in her toilet, on the morning of 12 June with a Bible held in her hands. We are all sure that she's in heaven now with God as she had already faithfully completed her duty as a messenger of Christ. Even with her early departure, I'm comforted to know that I'll soon see her in heaven. The thought of that really comforts me, which reminds me of her special voice which i still can remember till this very day. Nowonder people say that teachers are the greatest people in Life.

A final word to Ms. Fu, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE TOWARDS THE UPBRINGING OF LITTLE ME. I hope you'll know this, i mean I Know for sure that you know this too. The wake service really made me shed my tears, seeing all her students coming to pay their last respects touched me. As Pastr. Isaak Yim asked all the students to just rise. I could feeel her presence there. *cries*.

I would like to end this lengthy testimony from me with this sentence wrote by her niece to Ms. Fu :

-I'm so happy that you are now in heaven, rejoicing with the Lord as certainly he has taken you away as He needs you to teach all the little angels in heaven-

Thank you Ms. Fu ...

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And now, a little confession that I would like to make:

Kenneth Hiew, at 1.05 AM would tearfully apologize to Ms. Fu for not greeting her during the final weeks.

But another even sadder case would be this:

I'm So SORRY KA KIT!

Thank you for forgiving me, but I'll never forget this day, I'll never forgive myself of what I've done. Those very few words u said, really pierce through my heart. True to what people say, Words give a more painful death than bloodshed. Those last sentences you said, "thank you for everything you've done", really felt as if a thousand knives went through my body.

I know that I've greatly disappointed you, even saying sorry would not help as I know I've failed. Failed as a brother, moreover being the BIGGER brother that's supposed to think wiser, act wiser and not FAIL. Guess I just qualified for all the above stated.

I've never felt this guilty before in my entire life. Not even yelling at my mom last time, THIS is just so depressing to be thought about. I guess I won't be sleeping tonight. I know what I shall do, think over my actions and reminisce of the old days with Ms. Fu.

I'll understand and not blame you if you wouldn't want to talk to me anymore, or come over to my house this Friday. Thank you for giving me all these joy, the happiness that I've once lost and you've gained it back for me. The reason of me being a brother to you was because I wanted to be like you, always smiling, always filled with joy. And now as I'm slowly developing those wonderful traits from you, BUT I guess I just destroyed myself again, I made you feel so disappointed on ME and just so sad. I'll miss you alot..

I guess, Kenneth Hiew has died today, 14/06/06.